HOUSE: THE MUSICAL!
by runs with sissors
Summary: ...But it's NOT what you expect...
1. Fellow Ozians

**Hello!**

**Well, here I am. Part of you is probably surprised to see me, and part of you is not, I think. The part of you that is surprised is thinking, "Why is she doing two fics at the same time? Won't that be hard?" **

**To answer your question, I say, "yes, it will be hard. But fear not, good citizens, for I have a plan." (And both will be updated frequently, even if one is more frequently than the other. I've been working on this one for longer and have more chapters of this one already written.)**

**The part of you that is not at all surprised to see me says, "Well, I am not at all surprised. She's so obsessed with musicals, it was only a matter of time before she put one up!"**

**And to that I say, "yes, well, you've got me there. But this is _more_ than just a few songs thrown together. This is HOUSE: THE MUSICAL! It is not what you expect (hence the summary.) Also, _obsessed_ is a highly overused word. I much prefer, "a strong liking towards them." I mean, I don't worship Cole Porter or anything.**

**This story, like Vacation, starts out with Cuddy beckoning the ducklings and the mother into her office. I just need some traction to start the story out on, and that gives me the traction I need. So don't bitch at me about it, even though I know you weren't even dreaming of doing that : )**

**Anyways, enjoy!**

…**And on with the show…**

Dr. Lisa Cuddy scrambled down the hallway, trying to keep her footing. Now, if you know Dr. Cuddy, you know she does NOT scramble. She just doesn't. She's always very poised and collected. But the janitor had just mopped the floor and the water was all over the place, and of course, he had forgotten to put up the **Watch Your Step** signs. So, let me tell you, Lisa Cuddy had not watched her step.

Dr. Robert Chase was, however, enjoying a café latte in the break room, and reading a rather interesting and rather graphing piece in a medicine journal about breast cancer. He took a sip of his coffee and saw Lisa Cuddy on the other side of the break room window/wall, slip in her three-inch heels and fall on her butt with a little gasp. He suppressed a laugh and rushed to the door, being wary of the hallway, because he had seen seven other people fall on their ass that day on that hallway in the last hour and he was convinced it was cursed.

"Dr. Cuddy?"

"Help me up!"

"Oh," he said, sidestepping out in the hallway, avoiding the soapy puddles. Chase grasped both of Cuddy's hands and pulled her up. He noticed he was at a perfect angel to see up her dress, because he was in front of her and her knees were curled up to her chest. But did he?

Yes.

But only for a second, because he knew she'd notice.

Chase pulled as hard as he could and pulled Cuddy to her feet- and beyond. She fell against him, and Chase noticed he was at the perfect angel to see down her blouse. And did he? Of course.

Boy, was he going to have a lot to tell Foreman and Cameron. Well, just Foreman probably, Cameron would just make vomiting noises through the whole thing and ruin it.

Chase pushed Cuddy back up to the upright position. Cuddy laughed and said, "Alright, that's enough. I was just dropping by to tell you that I need you in Conference Room A." She looked around her feet at the floor. "Although, apparently, I don't see how were going to move without breaking every single bone in our bodies."

Just then, Cameron rounded the corner behind Chase. Chase made a little wave at Cameron, and she nodded in acknowledgement. "Chase."

Then, she saw Cuddy. "Dr. Cuddy? Why are you two standing so close together? Are you…."

Cuddy glanced at Chase. "Us? No! Cameron!" She exclaimed, frowning. "I just wanted to ask Dr. Chase, and _you_, that I need you in an emergency meeting in Conference Room A."

Cameron breathed in relief. "Oh! Oh, thank god. Alright," she started walking over to them.

"No!" They both shouted, but it was too late. Cameron had just enough momentum to make her slide, and it was a rather amazing domino effect to anyone who may have been watching. Cuddy, who was now on the floor for the second time, huffed a little and closed her knees. She was going to be late. And she hated being late.

_(I just found out recently that the line across the page doesn't show up on the web.) _

Fifteen minutes later, Conference Room A's door opened and Cuddy stalked in, followed by Cameron and Chase who both entered very modestly.

"Where have you guys been?" House asked. Cuddy just stalked over to where her binder lay and flipped through pages while Chase and Cuddy sat down in the swivel chairs.

Chase nodded over at Cuddy and looked at House. "She's a little pissed about being late," he whispered.

House nodded over at Cuddy and looked at Chase, mockingly. "Thanks, Sherlock. But where were you."

"Long story."

"Ooh, kinky." House said, leaning back in his chair. Cameron made a 'tut' sound with a disgusted look on her face and Chase just blushed and looked over at Foreman, who was resisting the urge to spin around in his chair.

"Cuddy, can we please get on with this?" Whined House. "My show's on in twenty minutes, and I just don't know what I'll do if Greenlee dies."

"You changed soaps?" Cameron said, perking up.

"Oh, I still watch General," House said, scratching his chin. "But the women are much less slutty on All My Kids." House thought for a minute. "On second though, maybe that's not such a good thing."

Cuddy, who had stood up, raised her hand like a traffic officer to stop them. "Enough," she said. House guessed she had given up on using her indoor-voice today.

She winced as she planned her words. "Now, this is going to seem…odd," she began. _Good opening, _she thought to herself.

"…And that's because it is. I mean, when I first read the memo, I thought the receptionist had gone crazy." Cuddy laughed a bit at herself, egging them on to laugh with her, but all she got was deer-in-headlights. Except for House, who was trying really hard to pull a Karate-Kid and stab a fly with a pencil.

Cuddy glared at him, but moved on. "…But I spoke with them and this was true. See, when Vogler was still with us- may he burn in hell- he decided that a good way to raise money for research was to…put on a little show. A play, if you will." She moved from the foot of the table to the dry-erase board mounted on the wall, winced again and uncapped a marker. "For kids, mainly. All of the sick children. It's a benefit, I guess." Cuddy stopped to take a breath. She was _so _not ready to tell them what she had to tell them, and she knew they were _so _not ready and wanting to hear it.

"So, this show. Play. Thing," she corrected herself. "All of the different sections of the hospital have different tasks in putting up this…thing. Cancer is doing set, nurses are properties and scenery, Radiology is lights and sound, and so forth…."

"So what do we get to do?" Cameron asked. She was mildly excited about this. After all, she had never worked in anything dramatic before.

Cuddy laughed nervously. "Yes, well, that's what I'm trying to tell you here." _Wince._ "Vogler…he kinda, sorta…he…well, you _know _he and House were having issues," _wince._ …and…hemadeyouallthedramatists!" _Very big wince._

Dead silence in the peanut gallery. She guessed they hadn't heard what she had said.

"You're the _dramatists,_" she explained, putting emphasis on the word. "_Dramatists. _You know, the actors?"

House leaped up, and then sat back down because leaping and crippled legs didn't mix well. "What?

"Hell no!" Chase shouted.

"I don't think…" Foreman trailed off, but Cameron remained silent.

"Hush!" Cuddy shouted above all of them. "You have NO CHOICE. It wasn't my idea, I told you. And I tried to switch you, I really did, but…"

"Couldn't Cancer have dramatists?" Yelled House. "I mean, they're the ones this benefit is really for. We don't need any money!"

"It's for the children!" Cuddy practically screamed. "Now, everyone shut up. Shutupshutupshutup. I just slipped in a puddle of water and I was late for the meeting and I have a meeting with some very important producing people for the show in thirty minutes that I'm going to be late to as well if everyone does not shut up!"

House leaned over to Cameron and whispered to her. "If she fell in water, how come she didn't melt?"

"I heard that," Cuddy said. But she didn't take the bait. Instead, took a deep, cleansing breath. "Now, what my information about this fails too specify is _what_ play. So, I'm guessing we have to pick it ourselves." Cuddy capped and uncapped the marker with her thumb and forefinger several times before finally deciding on a different color. "Any ideas?"

No one said anything.

"Alright, I'll just…call on someone." She felt like a 5th Grade teacher. "Foreman! Foreman, do you have any ideas?"

He raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "No."

"Foreman, I _know_ you you've heard of a play or musical before."

"You mean, besides _The Wiz_?"

Cuddy blinked at him for a second. "'Kay, good point. Chase, what about you?"

"_The Boy From Oz_," he replied.

"Smart-ass," she shot back. "But only if you're willing to be the main character," she said maliciously.

"Who's the main character in that?"

"Oh, forget it," the Aussi said, blushing.

"Cam, it's your turn," Cuddy said, ready to actually write something down. "Ideas? Please?"

"My Fair Lady?"

Cuddy clapped excitedly. "Good, good! But..."

"What?" Cameron said, hurt. "I thought it was a good idea!"

"It is! But they all have accents. Can you guys fake an English accent?"

Everybody looked at Chase, who sheepishly raised his hand. Cuddy smiled with her lips pursed and looked down. "Well, nice try. It was a good idea, really. Next idea? C'mon, we were on a roll there!"

"_RENT_!" House suggested. Cuddy coughed.

"Of course, House, you would want RENT. And it's a great musical yes," Cuddy said, flipping through the index in her book that contained potential shows. "So, let's see…Chase could be Mark, Foreman could be Roger…we'd have to teach him to play guitar…Oh, no, _House_ would have to be Roger, AZT boy wonder, and Foreman could be Collins…and Chase would be Angel…" She looked up, smiling. "I hope you guys know how to stage kiss. Chase, Foreman, it says here that you're both gay, and Angle is a transsexual with HIV…As for Cameron, she's got a choice…she could ither be Maureen, the bisexual diva, Joanne, Maureen's lover, or Mimi, the junkie who falls in love with…House. Roger. Ither one. So, you guys still want to do _RENT_?"

"What about_ Into The Woods_?" House suggested. House had thrown the possibility of _RENT _out of his head when he heard the word "stage kiss" and "Foreman and Chase."

"Ah, see, now we're getting somewhere! You're brainstorming!" Cuddy said, turning to the _I's_ in her index. "Let's see…it says here that the cast is 27…so you guys are out-numbered by, like, 21."

"We could double up on roles," Cameron said.

"Hmm…" Cuddy said. "No, that won't work, the whole cast comes out in Finale: Act II."

"We could cut out the chorus," said Chase.

"There _is_ no chorus."

"Oh."

"Next!"

"Oh, _Hairspray,"_ Cameron said, partly to herself. "I love that musical."

Cuddy didn't even have to look it up in her book. She just put her hands on her hips and said, "Sure! Allison, if you're up to wearing a fat suit and House is up to wearing to dressing in drag."

"_A Christmas Carol_," Chase said, narrowing his eyes and looking at House. "We've already got our Scrooge."

"It premiers in January, Chase," Cuddy said, annoyed.

"I've heard of that new play…musical…_Wicked_?" Foreman said. "What about that?"

"Oh, a classic in the making. But we're outnumbered girls to boys…it's pretty sucky how there's only one woman in your whole damned ward. Unless Allison wants to play Elphaba and Chase wants to play Glinda, the Good witch." She looked at Chase with a loving seem. "You have the hair, love."

"No, no, no," House interjected. "Now, if I'm going to act, I'm going to act with flare and style. Main character. But, no one should suggest _Chicago_ because if you make me sing a song with the words 'razzle dazzle' in it, I'll take a hostage."

"Oh, House," Cameron said, sadly. "It's about murder. And you have so much experience with that." _'Ahah!' _Cameron thought. '_Allison: 1, Greg: 0.'_

Cuddy suddenly had a look on her face like she'd had an epiphany. "_The Wizard of Oz_!" She exclaimed. "Duh!"

"Brilliant!" Chase said.

"So, are we agreed?" Cuddy said, flushing. She would absolutely _kill_ anyone who didn't agree. "Great! Then…Cameron, obviously, you're Dorothy. Chase…you look like a 'Cowardly Lion' to me."

Chase looked confused. "What's "_The Wizard of Oz"_?"

They all looked at him, horrified by what he had just asked.

"I'm sorry," House said, tugging on his ear, as if he was trying to shake whatever was in it out. "Did you just say you don't know what _The Wizard of Oz_ is?"

Chase nodded. More horrified stares.

"Well, I know it's about Oz, I mean, I read the book." Chase looked at Cuddy with a pleading, get-me-out-of-here look. "The Emerald City, right?"

"Cripes," whispered House. He really DIDN'T know what it was about.

Cuddy shook her head hastily. "Oh, that's not a problem. We'll teach- I mean, you'll learn as we go. Rent the movie." Cuddy circled _The Wizard of Oz _with a red dry-erace marker. "Now, that leaves Foreman and House. Foreman, I'm assigning you the part of the Scarecrow. House, that means you're the…"

"No!" House sat bolt upright. "Don't you dare suggest…"

"It's the only part we have left," Cuddy explained.

"No! Nononono, I refuse. Make me Dorothy, make me a flying monkey, make me a munchkin, but you cannot make me the Scarecrow."

"House, just…"

"Want to know why? Because in every script or movie or book you've ever seen, Dorothy, the Lion, the Tin Man and the Scarecrow all skip down The Yellow Brick Road. Now, am I or am I not, a man who could skip?"

Everyone's eyes fell to the cane he had in his hand.

"He does make a good point," Cameron pointed out, but everyone glared at her for sticking up for House, so she shrank back into her chair.

"Yep, he's right," Cuddy announced, deflated, after she had skimmed through the index's scripts. "It says so here, in print. Damn."

House's eyes lit up. "So, does that mean I'm out of it?"

Cuddy laughed. "Ha! Hell no, buddy, no such luck. I'm making you The Wizard." Then, she smiled evilly, which meant she had something up her sleeve. "_And _Glinda."

"Aw, Cuddy!"

"You have to, House. If we had another girl, we'd dye her platinum blonde and call her Glinda…"

"She'd already BE platinum blond," House corrected.

Cuddy scowled. "Well, you're Glinda. A quick costume change in two places, a wig and voila! You'll be the best Glinda ever."

"I think its Ga-Linda," Cameron inquired.

"Whatever. It sounds like Glenda. We're calling her Glinda…you can call her Galinda if you want to, Allison."

"Thank you," Cameron replied. "Well, wait, then, if I'm Dorothy, who's the Wicked Witch?"

"Of the West?" Chase asked. "I've heard of her! Is she the lady with the slippers and the house?" He turned to House. "No offence, like she'd ever date you."

"None taken," House sneered. "If you've ever read the book, it mentions that she had all of her slaves in _bondage_."

"Children!" Cuddy yelled. "Please, could we stop with the idle chatter? We need to figure out what to do about the Witch. Cameron, could we double cast you?"

Cameron shook her head. "No, see, we're in a scene together. We just cannot double cast the Wicked Witch, it's going to be hard enough with the costume changes, let alone the make-up."

Cuddy smiled. "Cameron, if you don't mind, I'd like to direct this, thanks." She turned to Chase and House, who were still arguing. "As Cameron said, we can't double cast the witch. It'll be hard enough to switch the costumes, let alone makeup…"

Foreman piped up. "She's not green in the book." But Cuddy ignored him.

"I know!" House said. He had an idea! "Cuddy, YOU could be the witch!"

Suddenly, Cuddy felt she had been cornered, and it was suddenly very hard to breathe. "Me?"

"Did I stutter?" House asked. "You're perfect. You've got the personality down pat."

"And the hair!" Chase said, chiming in. "You've got the _hair,_ luv," he mocked.

"Now all you have to do is work on the melting thing, and we've got ourselves a deal," House said, hi-fiving Chase.

"No, I'm the director, I have to…"

"Aw, c'mon _Lisa_," House said, smirking. He felt so risqué, using her first name. "Think of the children!"

Cuddy took a breath. "Now, you can't go putting words in my mouth."

"No, they fell out," House said. "I just replaced them."

Cuddy looked from Cameron, to Chase, to Foreman, to Cameron, to Foreman, and then finally at House before she cracked. "Alright! Alright. I'll be the Witch. But I'm not getting painted."

House just muttered, "like hell you aren't."

"…But we still need a Scarecrow!" Cameron said.

A smile slowly formed on House's lips. "_I_ know a Tin Man…"

**A/N: And, thus begins the new journey to a new division of House. Who can sing? Who cant? Who is the Tin Man? Will a love story unfold (**durh…it's House/Cameron!**)? Tune in for the next segment of HOUSE: THE MUSICAL!**

Comments/ridicule are always welcome. I'm expecting some flames, so, you know, hit me with your best shot and all that.


	2. Smile, Brother Smile!

I'm back, and ready for action! I was so surprised, I got NO flames for Chapter 1. But here's chapter two. The question on everyone's mind is: "Who's the Tin Man?" And this question is to be (basically) answered in this chapter, but not before a song!

**Disclaimer: "You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile," is from the musical ANNIE, and it's lyricist Martin Charnin. I'd just like to say that if you don't know the original lyrics to the song, you probably wont be able to fully appreciate it. It would also help to know the tune, but I'm not expecting you to run out and buy the soundtrack. If you'd google the lyrics, though, it might help. Just a suggestion to amplify your musical theatre experience!**

**PS- THE LYRICS HAVE BEEN TWEAKED SLIGHTLY. ALL THE MORE REASON TO NOT SUE ME!**

The next day, House was running around the hospital, trying to find Dr. Wilson. (Of course, he couldn't literally run, but you get the idea.) He had a small favor to ask him. He ran into three nurses and knocked over a stretcher before finding Wilson in one of the patient rooms, drinking a Diet Coke and flipping through a magazine or questionable content.

When the door opened, Wilson jumped about a foot out of the chair and scrambled to put the magazine on the rack on the chair. House smiled when he saw Wilson had become so nervous. That means he was doing something _dirty_.

"Hey," House griped. "Why are you hiding in here? That's my job."

"Oh, sorry," Wilson said automatically. Then he realized what House had said, "I'm not hiding from Cuddy, I'm on my break. Just wanted some peace and quiet..." Wilson grabbed the can of Diet Coke and stood up. "…But now you're here."

"You're damn right I'm here," House said, proudly. "I need you to do something for me."

"No! I'm not going to get you another pair of tonsils…"

"Nothing like that," House said.

"…And I refuse to break into Cuddy's office again to look for…"

"Keep your voice down about that!" House said, looking around quickly to see if anyone was watching. "I said that never left your office."

"It didn't," Wilson smiled and swished the can around in circles. "But what do you want me to do?"

"Well, okay, you know about the play…musical…thingy, the PPTH has to preform, right?"

Wilson took a drink, nodding. "Yep. Cuddy put me in charge of sets." Wilson puffed out his chest.

"Gee, that's swell and all, but that's not what I came here to talk to you about. See, Foreman and Chase and Cameron and I have to do the actual…_acting_."

Wilson snorted. "Ha!" You? That's crazy. What are you, the wizard?"

House winced. "Actually…."

"No way! Cuddy really lost it."

"Will you let me finish?" House said, trying to keep his voice from rising. "We've got all the parts down, except for one, and only one…" House let his voice trail off. Wilson's eyes went from relaxed to freak-out in a mere two seconds.

"No!" He yelled. Clinic patients stared. "Nononono, there's no way…you can't make…."

"James, please?"

"Don't call me James, _Gregory_," Wilson spat angrily. "I won't do it…I mean, I'm in charge of sets!"

"Cuddy told me that. She said that it'll be easy for you to do both parts. Once you get done with being the Tin Man, then you just…"

"The _TIN MAN_? GREG, ARE YOU _OUT OF YOUR MIND_?"

"Wilson…James…Please?"

"No. You can't and I won't. NO!" Wilson stormed off down the hallway and House didn't even try to catch him. Someone had to become the Tin Man, and there wasn't a doubt in his mind that when the opening night curtain went up, it was going to be Wilson in the prosthetics and makeup. House was the best negotiator in the hospital, and if not the best negotiator, the best black mail artist….

Yes, the Tin Man was going to be Wilson. House just had to figure out how.

-----ifionlyhadabrain-----ifionlyhadabrain-----ifionlyhadabrain-----ifionlyhadabrain-----

House walked angrily into the meeting room and threw down the current patient's folder. He grabbed a handful of hard candy out of a dish and sat down, unwrapping one.

"Um…hi, Dr. House, and good morning to you, too," Chase said, slightly bewildered.

"Wilson won't do it."

"Wilson won't do wha…Oh…."

"Won't be the Tin Man?" Cameron asked. House nodded slowly.

"Why not?"

"He's trying to retain what's left of his pride," House answered.

"There's noting in being the Tin Man that could hurt a person's pride," Foreman said. "I mean, it's for little sick kids and…"

"Try telling that to Wilson."

There was a short silence, and then Cameron spoke up. "Well, what are we going to do?"

"I'm thinking, I'm thinking," House responded, sitting up straight. "Well, what's our patient up to?"

"He's still in a coma."

"That's it?"

"Yup."

"How boring," House said, schlumping back down again. "That does nothing to improve my mood."

Cameron exchanged a look with Chase, who exchanged a look with Foreman. Foreman nodded and pressed a button on a CD player. The disk started to spin, and House heard piano music…

"Oh, God, what are you doing?" He asked. Cameron pulled him to his feet and Foreman got him his cane. "We've got to work! Are you people insane?"

_Foreman:_

You're clothes may be "Beau Brumelly"

They stand out a mile, but doctor

You're never fully dressed without a smile

_Cameron:_

Who cares what they're wearing

On Main Street or Saville Row

It's what you wear from ear to ear

And not on your white coat…

That…

Mha-a-a-ters…

_All four:_

So, oncologist, so radiologist…

So long for awhile, remember

You're never fully dressed

Though you diagnose the best,

Doctor

You're never fully dressed without a smile

_Cameron:_

Who cares what they're wearing

On Main Street or Saville Row

It's what you wear from ear to ear

And not on your white coat…

That…

Mha-a-a-ters…

_All four: (including House.)_

So, oncologist, so radiologist…

So long for a while, remember

You're never fully dressed

You can't diagnose the best,

Doctor

You're never fully dressed

With

Out

A

Smile!

If there had been a light bulb floating in the air above House's head, it would have gone on and made a sound like a timer. "I've got an idea!" He exclaimed.

"An idea to get Wilson to take the part?" Cameron asked excitedly.

"Yes! And I'll tell you shortly. It involves you, Cameron. But first, I have to go see Cuddy…"

**A/N- ** Dom dom dom!

(Fear not, friends, Wilson does take the part.)

You can exhale now, and press the button right down there:


	3. It's so pure, so STRONG!

Disclaimer: "What Is This Feeling?" Belongs to the musical WICKED and Stephen Schwartz, who wrote it. Now, let me tell you, (if you're into musicals) I saw this at the Fox Theatre in St. Louis, MO about a month ago and it was AMAZING. Fantastic! So, if you ever get a chance to see it, DO. And, as always, the song has been tweaked.

**A/N: Anyone who thought that House was going to get Wilson to be the Tin Man by blackmail…Good idea! But it wasn't exactly what I had in mind. You'll see later in the chapter.**

House limped as quickly to Cuddy's office as he could, and barged in without a knock, as usual. Cuddy put her head down on her desk when she saw him. "What do you want from me!" She cried.

"I've got an idea..."

"…That's never good."

House ignored her. "I've got an idea regarding the Wilson/Tin Man situation. It's sure-fire."

"Well great! Then go tell him, and we can start rehearsals tomorrow."

House put his hands on her desk and leaned over, lawyer-like. "I get two months off clinic duty if all goes well."

"Oh, god. Enough with the clinic duty!"

House stood up. "Time in the clinic would be time I would _normally_ spend trying to…say, find myself. Yoga and Zen and tai chi, and all that crap."

"Which translates into…"

"Downloading songs onto my iPod."

Cuddy nodded. "Well then. No."

"One month."

"No."

"Three weeks!"

"No! House…"

House stood up straight again. "Fine! Fine. I just won't ask Dr. Wilson. I'll just…avoid him. I won't tell him about rehearsals or about how much we need him, and then, when the time comes to perform, you'll have to get up in front of hundreds…no, thousands of people, and tell them that we don't have a good Tin Man to sing and dance around and stuff, and it's all your fault."

"I could always ask Dr. Wilson myself," Cuddy said.

"But you won't. You're too busy, aren't you, to do a petty thing like that?"

Cuddy sighed once more, and sort of groaned, and House's eyes lit up. He knew that sigh/groan; it was the sigh/groan Cuddy always did when she was considering a proposal. Usually House won, because he was a master of debate. He knew that and Cuddy knew that and Cuddy felt like she needed an Aspirin.

"Alright, alright!" She announced finally, retreating back to the paper on her desk. She put her glasses back on. "Three weeks…I can't believe I'm doing this…off clinic duty. But you MUST ask Dr. Wilson. Right now!"

"Yes! Dr. Cuddy, you won't be sorry," House said excitedly, his mind spinning.

"I highly doubt that," she replied. "Now, get out of my office!"

House obliged, muttering to himself, "PMS." Cuddy adjusted her glasses, saying, "What a basket case!"

Suddenly, they felt the need for a song:

House AND Cuddy:

_There's been some confusion over working here right now_

House:

_But of course I'll just ignore her._

Cuddy:

_But of course, I know I'm smarter._

House AND Cuddy

_For I know that's how I'm going to react_

_Yes_

_There's been some confusing for you see my colleague is…_

Cuddy:

_Really annoying and on the edge of sanity and the best doctor you could ever had all at the same time…_

House

Fat!

Cuddy:

_What is this feeling, so sudden and new?_

House:

_I felt the moment I laid eyes on you._

Cuddy:

_My pulse is rushing._

House:

_My head is reeling._

Cuddy:

_My face is flushing. _

Both:

_What is this feeling?_

_Fervid as a flame…_

_Does it have a name…?_

_Yeeeeeeeeesssssss…._

_Loathing!_

_Unadulterated loathing._

Cuddy:

_For his face_

House:

_Her voice_

Cuddy:

_His clothing!_

Both:

_Let's just say…_

_I loathe it all!_

_Every little trait, however small_

_Makes my very flesh begin to crawl._

_With simple, utter loathing_

_There's a strange exhilaration._

_In such total detestation!_

_It's so pure so strong!_

_Though I do admit, it came on fast._

_Still I do believe that it can last;_

_And I will be loathing, loathing you my _

_Whole life long!_

Nurses AND patients:

_Lisa Cuddy, you are just too good!_

_How do you stand it? I don't think I could!_

_He's a terror, he's a tar-tar, _

_We don't mean to show a bias, _

_But Cuddy, you're a martyr!_

Cuddy:

_Well, these things are sent to try us._

Nurses AND patients:

_Poor Cuddy forced to coincide _

_With someone so illegalified,_

_We just want to tell you, _

_We're all on your side!_

**Nurses AND Patients House and Cuddy **

_We share your loathing_

_What is this feeling; so sudden _

_Unadulterated loathing and new? _

_I felt the moment I _

_For his face, his voice, his clothing! Laid eyes on you!_

_Let's just say My pulse is rushing_

_My head is reeling_

_We loathe it all!_

_Oh what is this feeling?_

_Every little trait, however small Does it have a name?_

_Makes my very flesh begin to_

_Crawl Yes!_

_Aahhhhhhhh…. Aaaaahhhhh…._

_Loathing!_

_Loathing!_

_There's a strange exhilaration!_

_Loathing! _

_In such total detestation!_

_It's so pure, so strong!_

_So strong!_

_Though, I do admit, it came on fast_

_Still, I do believe that it can last._

_And I will be _

_Loathing… Loathing, for forever_

_Loathing… Loathing, truly, deeply_

_Loathing You! Loathing you! (Loathing You!)_

_My whole life _

_Loathing! Un adulterated Long!_

_Loathing! _

_House: (pokes Cuddy in butt with cane.)_

_Cuddy: OW!_

-END-

House saw the Ducklings in the hallway, walking away from him. "Cameron!" He called. Cameron recognized the voice and therefore didn't turn around immediately. Whatever it was he wanted from her, it could be dealt with calmly. Epically because the patient was in a coma. By that time, House had caught up with them.

"Chase, Foreman, leave. I need to talk to Cameron alone." House saw Cameron shoot a panicked glance at Foreman, a '_don't-leave-me-alone-with-him; -he'll-probably-kill-me' _look, but Foreman just shrugged apologetically and did as he was told.

"I need a favor from you," House told her.

"This is probably going to be degrading, isn't it?"

"Yes, but it's not what you think. It requires you in Dr. Wilson's office. Alone."

"Oh, god."

"Please? Do it. It'll earn some respect for me, from Cuddy."

"When have you ever cared about Cuddy's respect."

"Never. Until now. Plus, you get three weeks off clinic duty."

Cameron sighed and shifted her weight. "Alright…what do you need me to do?"

&&&&&&&&&&#

There was a soft knock on the door in Wilson's office. Dr. Wilson himself, who was looking up bizarre coma causes that the team may have missed, shouted, "It's open!"

Allison Cameron walked in, looking very different than she had just ten minutes ago when House had accosted her in the hallway. Her hair was down in a disarray of golden and brown curls, her blush vamped up to the apples of her cheeks. She had a short-sleeved pale pink button-up silk shirt on (that she had purposely unbuttoned a dangerously long way) and a black, knee-length skirt on, whose hemline was about to rise significantly. All she needed was some Oscar-winning acting, and she had this in the bag.

"Dr. Wilson?" She said. She had tried to be seductive, she really had, but her voice sounded high-pitched and breathy. The breathy part was good, but she swallowed a few times to make it sound raspier.

Wilson didn't look up from the computer. "Yes, Cameron?"

"Well," she started. The bimbo inside Cameron had decided not to make a cameo today. "I was just wondering…um… how we were doing on the…um…case." She put on a pout and raised her eyebrows. This time, Wilson looked. He became distracted by the fact that he could see Cameron's bra momentarily as she leaned over.

"Dr. Cameron?"

"Something wrong?" She asked, cocking her head over to the side.

"Do you need something?"

"Only you," she replied sexily, and pushed the papers on Wilson's desk out of the way so that she could climb up on his desk and sit on her knees. _'Oh, god, what am I doing?' _Cameron thought. _'House will never let me live this down.' _ However, Wilson didn't react to her until Cameron leaned in for a kiss. He bolted up and backed against the cabinets that lined the wall behind his desk.

"Um, Cameron, this doesn't seem like you," Wilson said, shakily.

Cameron smiled and slowly moved from the desk over to Wilson, running her hands all over his chest, and trying to pull the lab coat off, just to stress him out. "Oh, James, you don't know me at all, do you. Thinking I'd sleep with House, ha! When it's you I've wanted the whole time."

Wilson's voice cracked. "Really?"

Cameron pulled him into a kiss and let his lab coat drop from his shoulders onto the floor. "Mmmmm," she sighed. When she pulled back, Wilson's eyes were big as saucers. He sprinted to the swivel chair at his desk and started shuffling papers into random files. "Cameron, we can't do this. It's not right."

Cameron, moving slowly, picked up Wilson's lab coat and threw it on a chair by the door. She then started massaging partner's shoulders, just like House told her to. "Ooo, Jimmy. Why so tense?"

"You're tensing me up!" He barked. "But that does feel good."

Cameron bit her lip, thinking of a retort. "Oh, well…you know what'll feel even better?"

Wilson became alert as Cameron whispered something inaudible in his ear. "Won't that?" She questioned. Cameron moved around the chair and hiked up her skirt, her legs straddled, sitting on his knees, as Wilson nodded dumbly. _'This must be why he can't keep a wife,'_ Cameron thought as she rested her elbows on ether side of Wilson's neck and played with his hair, moving her face closer to him. _'The man can't say no!'_

Cameron, with split-second thinking, pulled Wilson into a tight kiss and jabbed her tongue into his mouth, as any experienced girl knows how to do. At the same time, she started pulling Wilson's tucked-in shirt out of his pants. As their body temperatures rose, Cameron slurred into his ear. "I need you to do something for me," she whispered.

"What is it?" he replied.

"Be the Tin Man. Please? Just for Cameron. Just for…_Allison,"_ she said, pulling him up by the collar, not in a mean way, but in a dominating way. "Please, Jimmy?"

"Suuuure," Wilson said, in a daze. Cameron was pretty confident he didn't know what he had agreed to. But she was so happy he had said yes, she almost dropped him.

She gave him a quick kiss again. "Thanks," she said, and made her way to the door. In the blink of an eye, the crazed love affair was over."

Cameron blew him a kiss as she left the office. "I'll call you!" He called after her.

&&&&&&&$$$$$$$

Dr. Cameron made a beeline for the Women's Bathroom to make herself look presentable for the rest of the hospital, before heading back to House's office, where he was waiting for her with bated breath. Chase, Foreman, and House all practically jumped on her when she walked in.

House was the first to speak. "What'd he say? Is he on? Please tell me he's on!"

Cameron was taken aback slightly with House's unusual enthusiasm, but answered anyways. "Yes," she said. "I used my amazing persuasion powers to convince him, just like you said."

Foreman snorted. "Yeah, if you want to call what you did in there 'convincing.'"

Cameron smiled. "Hey, what went on in that office, stays in that office. Go talk to Wilson if you want to know what happened." With that, she got up and left the office, head held high, happy to know she made them sweat. After all, it was her business and hers alone.

"Well, someone's a little full of them self!" House called after her, but she ignored him.

All three doctors looked at one another before Chase finally spoke. "Do you want to know what happened in that office?"

House took a few quick steps towards the door before he answered. "Last one there has clinic duty!"

&&&&&&&&$$$$$$$$$

A/N: I know, sort of a weak ending, but I really wanted to post this! No, this story is not Cameron/Wilson, but it was, just for this post. A little cheesy, I know, but Wilson had to be the Tin Man, right? Tell me in a comment!

**Catch you later, **

**Sizz**

**PS- How was the spelling? An author needs to know these things!**


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